Today is St. Patrick’s Day, which is technically some kind of holiday. If nothing else, it’s a way to work the color green into the color conversation. And what a versatile color it is. You can use it to dye rivers and beer, and also to ward off pinch-hungry friends and co-workers. If you weren’t able to scrounge up green clothing today for whatever reason, you may have unwittingly put yourself at risk. Here are some characters from games that you’ll probably want to avoid today for that reason.
Chibi-Robo! is small and helpful. That much, we know. He does a good job of picking up trash and scrubbing floors, even if he does use your toothbrush as a broom, which is technically a gross thing to do. But look at his little hands! Calling them hands is being generous, actually. Perhaps manufacturer Citrusoft decided against fingers as a cost-cutting measure, or maybe it was a purely aesthetic decision. Regardless, his little grippers would leave welts that no amount of buffing or scrubbing would remove. Still, it’s technically better than being crushed between big brother Giga Robo’s mechanical mitts.
Captain John Price
Modern Warfare’s A.I. pal Captain John Price seems like a pretty cool guy. He’s calm under pressure, whether he’s taking fire from terrorists or guiding you through a dramatic escape from a sinking ship. On the negative side – at least for today – he is probably very strong, and his fingers most likely smell like cigars. For those reasons, we are planning on going oscar mike if we hear a British baritone on our six.
The Colossus of Rhodes
Kratos handily defeated this animated statue in the opening moments of God of War II, which makes it unlikely that it poses a threat. After all, that was a long time ago. Even still, I am keeping my eyes on the horizon for this big weirdo. It’s unlikely that he would go in for a big-ol’ pinch, but you never know. This scenario does admittedly require a lot of setup, including A) someone telling The Colossus of Rhodes about St. Patrick’s Day and its associated traditions and B) it listening and understanding and also really getting into it. I think we’re safe.
Chop Chop Master Onion
Mr. Onion’s gross claws make Captain Price’s fingers smell like perfume. Nope.
Overwatch’s resident cowboy shares something in common with co-worker Hanzo: a robot hand. He presumably has control over its grip strength, otherwise he would break his six-shooter whenever he did that hammer-fanning thing. So yeah, if he gave it his all he could probably pinch our bicep clean off. We would worry more about Hanzo, but if he saw us today he would more than likely run away while demanding heals.